


This is Remus Lupin... with Sirius Black

by adVENTitiious



Series: Paint It BLACK [6]
Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 11:43:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7313923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adVENTitiious/pseuds/adVENTitiious





	This is Remus Lupin... with Sirius Black

_Thu thump—thu thump—thu thump_.

He can feel his heart pounding inside his chest. He's staring into soft grey eyes that promise so much but follow through on so little. He knows it's not his own fault, he _knows_ the gentle hands gripping his hips are at fault.

But it doesn't stop the questioning.

He lets Sirius touch him, _intimately_ , with hands still covered in James's scent, and his own cheeks still covered in a sticky dry trail of betrayal.

Maybe it _was_ his own fault, maybe if he'd been there more, if he'd been more supportive, and if he hadn't been so hesitant, hadn't been so jealous, or if he'd let Sirius— _No_. No he can't do this.

"I love you, Remus. I just want to be with you. Only ever you. No one else." The murmured words swimming in regret.

There's always regret, afterward. But then why does it always affect him so strongly? Shouldn't he become immune to it?

"I love you too," he lies. Because he hates him too right now, and love and hate can't be felt in unison, can they?

_Thu thump—thu thump—thu thump._

He can feel Sirius's heart beneath his palm. He studies splayed tan fingers over porcelain skin, and he can see it jumping underneath. It feels like his, like it's trying to say something, like it wants to be heard. Maybe it knows, because his does. "I want you to take me."

He pulls off his shirt, exposing himself, all his flaws. Fuck everything. Fuck Sirius, for caring too much. Fuck James, for not knowing how to care. Fuck himself, for being so careful and scared to care, and for no reason, because _look_ where they were now. He'd tried so hard, and he _knew_ he shouldn't have sent Sirius off feeling rejected, but _he'd_ felt rejected after listening to him flirt with Zabini and accepting his party invitation. He saw the way the Slytherin looked at him, he heard how Sirius's pulse sped up whenever they touched. He wasn't perfect. Sirius wasn't perfect. But he'd sent him off, knowing he'd hurt his feelings, _knowing_  he'd made him feel unwanted, and he hadn't cared; because he'd fooled himself into thinking he deserved things too, and that he and Sirius were stronger than a single bad goodbye. It had been his fault.

"Are you sure?"

He feels like he responds. And then. He lowers. And his head drops. And it hurts. Love _hurts_. Worse than his transformations. He'd trade off how he felt now any day for a full moon. He clenches his eyes shut, and he hears himself lie again. _Focus_. He can't lose him, he needs him.

" _Remus_."

He begins to move.

"How much? How much do you love me?" Pain.

He's getting lost in it again. The want, in the need, he knows that. He wants Sirius to want him, he always has. He can remember back to when they were just twelve, sitting out on the lawn, James and Peter gone. He'd watched Sirius, his eyes shut and his sleeves pushed up and shirt unbuttoned a few. His friend's raven locks had almost shone blue, and his skin had been perfect and smooth, just like Sirius. He'd known then as he'd fought to not lean over and press his lips to his that he was in trouble. If only he'd known just how much.

"Remus, are you okay?"

He answers, and he lies. Again. He lies to Sirius a lot, but he has to, he can't tell him the truth. He can't tell him that he's lost any sense of self-esteem after too many times of watching grey eyes travel idly over another body, each time he's heard a certain Slytherin wizard moan at his touch or _seen_ it. Teeth clench together. He knows Sirius has had him over and over and over, and he feels suddenly insecure. Zabini is better looking, he knows that, and more experienced, and he's managed to keep Sirius interested when no one else has.

"Do you like it?" he asks, feeling not much like a Gryffindor.

A soft laugh. "Best ever."

"I hate you sometimes," he says, but then he laughs too, because it's funny at that moment somehow. The thought of Sirius with someone else just seems funny, because he belongs right here, with him, and he knows how stupid that sounds. He feels a thumb trailing one of his new scars, the skin still sensitive, and he holds back a groan.

"M'sorry Moony. I just love you."

Remus nods tightly, his heart swells naively. "I know. I know Padfoot." He's naive. But he doesn't care sometimes. Sometimes he just wants to feel special, and Sirius does that for him. He makes him feel more important than anything or anyone ever has, even if he's made him feel more worthless than anyone ever has too. It kinda feels worth it.

Lips are pressing needily to his, trying to get him to respond. And he does. James accuses him of being cold towards Sirius, but he's not, he's just not an idiot.

He knows he and Sirius shouldn't work, not really. He knows he's not good enough for him. He knows Sirius gets distracted easily and that he's damaged, and sometimes he's just not enough for him. Sometimes Sirius needs things Remus can't give him, and he understands that. Sometimes Sirius needs to not have him, to be healthier, to be happier; and he understands that too, but he's not willing to do that. Not anymore. He can't. He can't. He's tried. And he _can't_. Maybe they're both damaged, maybe that's why it works.

He pulls back, and he's breathing just shy of Sirius's lips, but he feels like his lungs aren't doing their job, and his brain feels like it's trying to get high. He hears his name, moaned, gently, tenderly, lovingly, and he feels a swell of something pure at that moment, not tainted by other people or past acts or his constant thoughts.

It's just him and Sirius, **together** , and he feels like they're a part of each other. Intrinsic. And maybe they are. Because he can't let go of Sirius as much as Sirius can't let go of him. Maybe they're both at fault, and maybe neither of them are. Maybe they just are. And maybe they always will be.


End file.
